The word “conflict” usually brings to mind raised voices or awkward tension—outcomes most people would rather avoid. But learning how to handle conflict (thoughtfully, that is) might be one of the most powerful skills you can build—not just for your relationships but for your own sense of peace too.

That said, there are plenty of valid reasons we’ve culturally learned not to voice our issues. For one, there’s the fear that speaking up means you’re dramatic, difficult, or “aggressive.” If you’ve had romantic relationships or grew up in a household where minor clashes routinely escalated into shouting (or crying) matches, it makes sense that you may have internalized the idea that any form of tension is something to run away from.

Yet, as Aparna Sagaram, LMFT, owner of Space to Reflect Therapy in Philadelphia, tells SELF, a lot of people don’t realize that all conflict is just some sort of disagreement—which is bound to happen even with loved ones. You might be hurt when your best friend bails at the last minute (again), for instance, or frustrated that your partner never helps clean up after dinner. These are valid feelings that deserve to be addressed (otherwise, they’ll build into simmering resentment).

So when you reframe occasional clashes as a means to get closer (not to drift further apart), it becomes less about “fighting” and more about working together. The trick, of course, is figuring out how to start those tough conversations in a way that won’t stir drama or leave anyone feeling attacked. Here’s how any conflict-avoidant person can make these talks less intimidating, according to experts.

1. Draft the “no-send” version of what you want to say.

One of the hardest parts of knowing how to handle conflict is figuring out exactly what you want to communicate—and how to do it kindly.

That’s why Cherlette McCullough, LMFT, owner of Center Peace Couples and Family Therapy in Florida, recommends starting what she calls a “no-send” version of your message in a journal or your notes app. “Get everything out,” McCullough tells SELF. “Write about how they hurt you, how they made you feel, how their behaviors affected you.”

The goal isn’t to send this letter exactly as written, but rather to release those bottled-up emotions for much-needed clarity. Once you’ve word-vomited, McCullough says it should be easier to review which points are genuinely worth raising—say, a pattern of dismissiveness or a lack of communication—and which ones may be better left out (such as name-calling). That way, you’re leading with purpose—not rage.

2. Practice confronting people you trust first.

It can feel wildly intimidating to call out a fresh fling you just started dating or a coworker you don’t know all that well. Instead, try voicing your frustrations with people you feel close to, Sagaram recommends.

“These are what we refer to as your ‘low risk’ or ‘safe’ people,” Sagaram says—the ones who are most likely to respond with understanding (and not judge or cut you off). Maybe for you, this involves expressing your annoyance to a sibling who keeps borrowing your clothes, or a longtime best friend who made a sarcastic (but hurtful) joke. By starting with minor, lower-pressure topics (without the immediate fear of backlash or abandonment), you’ll slowly become more confident about naming bigger, more high-stakes concerns, whether you’re talking to your new partner about feeling emotionally unsupported or confronting a close friend about a major breach of trust.

3. Avoid an ambush.

Starting the conversation with something as simple as, “Hey, can I bring up something that’s been bothering me?” or even, “Can we set aside time to talk about something that's been on my mind?" gives the other person a chance to mentally prepare for a more serious discussion, Sagaram says—and provides you the time to gather your own thoughts too.

As for when to talk, try to pick a time when you’re relatively centered. For some people, that’s in the morning (after a good night’s sleep). For others, it might be at the end of the day, once you’ve decompressed from work. “This way, you’re calmer and can get across the points you want to say,” McCullough says. “And this helps shift the discussion from a confrontation to an opportunity for connection.”

4. Don’t just air a laundry list outlining what they’re doing wrong.

Conflict can feel so much heavier when all you’re doing is pointing out someone’s faults and failures. Instead, balance your complaints with a little warmth, like acknowledging the other person’s strengths or positive actions.

To a well-meaning friend who drains you with their constant venting, for instance, you could say, “I’m always here for you, but I’ve been overwhelmed by our conversations lately and need some space.” Or to a partner who scrolls on their phone during dinner dates: “I love spending time together, so I’d appreciate it if we could talk without distractions.” “The reason you want to do this is because you don’t want the other person to become very defensive,” McCullough says. Otherwise, what could be a helpful, collaborative learning lesson ends up feeling like a battle of blame and personal attacks.

5. Focus on the problem, not the person.

On that note, once you start attacking someone’s character, it makes sense that confrontation will escalate into combat.

Instead of making sweeping generalizations, Sagaram recommends zeroing in on specific actions. So it’s not that your friend is “irresponsible” or “stingy,” per se. Maybe the message you want to get across is that they need to pay you back more promptly. Or the barista who got your order wrong isn’t “incompetent.” Rather, they used the wrong milk in your latte and you’d like a redo. By addressing a clear (and fixable) issue versus painting the person as a problem, it should be easier for the person on the receiving end to hear you out and actually fix what’s bothering you.

For the record, these conversations are going to be uncomfortable (they’re supposed to be). But before you retreat into silence or any avoidant tendencies, consider this: Real closeness demands working through the hard stuff—the discomfort, tension, vulnerability—not running from it.

Related:

• 5 Sneaky Signs of Self-Sabotage in Relationships
• How to Get Better at Small Talk: 5 Tips From Communication Pros
• 6 Signs of Social Anxiety That Are Easy to Mistake for ‘Shyness’

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